if the end of love is this hard. i would never love again. never again.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

here to rattle

Back to this blog to rattle. Time passed so fast. From the start if this blog till now. I guess is almost 10 years. And i am in a new phase of the series 10s. Not 10, not 20.

I reckon i should come back and post everytime i feel upset because, no body really read blogs now. So, it doesn't matter even if i feel like "crying" in here.

I am not exactly going to cry. Though i was on the verge a moment ago. Life hasn't been that good. At least i felt it wasn't most of the time as i stuggled to keep the good n positive ones inside me to stop me from being weak n break down.

Just yesterday, i felt better n more motivated after meeting Jocelyn. She is so opposite of me nd sometimes, i wish i could be a little like her. Maybe. I will be better. However, 24hrs later, I am back to the character that is similiar to - Sadness in the movie Inside Out. I know i am not Sadness. At least i was once not. Anywayz.... i am lost in what i want to say.

I am feeling ... right now cos of my results . I scored one of the worst result i ever had. I was already not good at it. N now it has gotten worst. Something is just so wrong. I can't or didn't find out. Want to tell my mum. Can't. Want to tell my dad. Can't. Want to tell my friends. Can't. Want to tell cs. Can't.

Did tell ant when the horrible result sank into my consciousness. But regretted immediately. Want to ask how. What to do next. But realised, there is actually no how n no what to next. I was confident. I wldnt do that badly. Everyone said it was the easiest ever. I felt so too. Thought so too. But apparently, i am one person that cannot be confident n have to stay low in SE so that things work. I know. Jocelyn gonna say this self fulfilling prophecy. But this is really true. Every time i m confident. I felt like i was let down. By myself.

Sigh. I am tired. So will stop here. May i feel better soon.

Signing out... 1810