if the end of love is this hard. i would never love again. never again.

Friday, June 29, 2007

went to amk hub to get my nephew a present for his birthday, which is tml. practically did nothing today. stuck infront of the tv watching "jiayou jinshun", followed by "harry potter", then the channel 8 show "switched" (i suppose), then the channel 8 news and lastly some documentary on arts central. Zzz..

ever since i read crystal's blog on how she enjoyed "gym-ing" at fitness first, i suddenly miss the time i went to california fitness with grace. exercising really make a person feel more energetic as well as confident. especially when you lose weight. but too bad, i think i have a "high class taste". meaning, i only like exercising in a gym like california. the feeling is just different. california have the feeling of making you exercise more even though you are dead tired. i dun get the same feeling in other places like those gym at the stadium. (nt saying they are nt good. just personal preference.) somehow or rather, i wish i can enjoy running in the park near my house. but i suppose i dun like the up and down slope in the park. i prefer flat routes.

life is so difficult at times. especially when i am having internal conflicts. i think i am far from being an adult - mentally. sometimes small lil things can get on my nerve. just simply not an open person. cannot take things easy. but i am really trying. trying so hard that i have internal conflicts myself. and that's when i get so upset with myself. feeling so...... but still, being a stubborn person, i still wish others to be happy even if i am not. (thus, i suppose some just took advantage of this characteristic of mine). well, am i being silly or plain stupid? anyway, no matter what, at least trying is better than giving up right?

goodnight....

just another day

just another day. at home with so many things i feel like doing (once again complaining). but either i cannot get myself started or i dunno where to start. damn.. holiday is ending. i wanna go shopping.. but the weather is just too hot. thus i am lazy to move about. felt like a pig at this moment. =(

Thursday, June 28, 2007

today is a very hot day. damn. got back from ntuc more than an hour ago and i am stuck in front of my computer (which is very unlikely of me) surfing here and there. a waste of time i feel. cos i can't find what i am looking for.... love shopping at ntuc. even if i do not have anything to buy, i just simply love to push the trolley here and there. but the end result would either be, the trolley full of tidbits or i leave the supermarket with only two or three light items. which is rather embarassing. but still.. i dun care. haha. a sign of rebellious.

things aint too bad the past few days (promised to cheer up). time really do flies when i am working at kumon. cos the kids are so hyper active but adorable. haha. wanted to work at a place somewhere nearer like those educational centers at amk hub. but i will miss the kids at kumon though i only interact with them for a short period of 2 months.

cs started work on monday. yup. monday was the first day of my holiday. tried to keep myself busy. went to amber's house to bake chicken pie as well as tiramisu. hehe. the chicken pie taste quite good. except we need to brush up on the wrapping of the pie. mine looks horrible + comical.

feeling peaceful now. though the heat is killing me. so many things i feel like learning. besides learning how to control emotions. which i feel my lessons on emotions is never ending as i am too sensitive and emotional to certain stuffs which seems like nothing to others. hmm.. anyway,back to topic. wanted to learn how to cook from my uncle. but my mum said he ain't free to teach me and ask me to go sign up for courses instead. haix. both my uncles used to work in the resturant as chefs and i love the chilli crab they cook. haha. too bad.. feel like picking up piano again. the last time i stopped piano lessons from my friend was 2 years ago. reason why i stopped. cos i was having attachments from mon-fri and i was also working at the bookshop as part time. basically, i am working 7 days a week. thus, there wasn't any time to practice. what i felt guilty was, i did not tell my fren the reason and eventually, the teaching "deal" was off. it really was kinda wasted. i would often wonder why didnt i had the determination to pursue on just like i pursue my part time job. =( but anyway, that's the past. and she is going overseas for further studies soon. peiying.. sorry..

holidays are ending. left with just 3 days. haven't learn roller blading, room is still as untidy, feeling fatter than ever but yet no sign of wanting to exercise. damn.. really alot of things on hand. why izzit never ending.. arghz....

hmm.. enuff said. shall start tidying my notes and search for a new blog skin and start preparing for dinner. haha. piggy me. lastly, hope my brother is doing well at camp and that his back is not giving him much problem. i miss my brother.... and bb. =p

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

back

i am back. could not remember when did i last blog. but jocelyn grumble nothing to read. so i am back writing. as long as you all dun feel sianz listening to me grumble. ha.

was having exams the whole of last week. the brain exam was Zzz.. felt as if studying for it and not studying for it does not makes a difference. but when i exclaimed such a sentence, vivian looked at me with a "are u sure u studied hard?" or maybe it was a "what nonsense are you talking about?" okie. now you all should know how terrible it was for me. stats exams wasn't that bad. at least the revision that my tutor gave was very useful. most of the questions that came out was rather similar. but feeling guilty because i should had make more effort to help one of my friend. but what ever said now would not help but cause more unpleasant feelings. like rubbing salt. but still, i am sorry solid 1.

lately haven't been too good. i know it is my holiday and a pathetic one week holiday. which means i start school next week. shan't go into details about why lately aint good. but i suppose cs was right. why do i make life so difficult for myself. why do i even have to be bothered about others. what others do. what others will feel. i cannot even takecare of myself. why think for others.

hmm.. anyway, it is just grumbles. a moment of weakness. after this, i wun think about anything. life will be as usual. even if it is a cycle of unhappiness, i just have to grumble it off and be happy. cos there will be many much bigger barrier in future. so all that is happening now will not put me back off. aint i positive? *grin.

ok. off to prepare for work now. congrats to my brother for going into ocs. hope he can complete the course. but no matter what, i am so proud of you bro. jiayou!! ^-^

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

went for my brother's pop today. it was like a small national day parade. haha. one thing that they should improve on is definitely the setting up of fans. it was in the afternoon. and the parents, guests have to sit in their stadium for more than 1hr before the parade starts, with no wind at all. you can just see everyone taking paper to fan themselves. some even anticipated the heat, so they brought their own paper fan! but going to see the parade today was really worth it. am so proud of my brother. even though he fell sick many of a times during the whole training. but still, seeing my mother putting his cap ("jocky" izzit?) for him. i felt so happy for him. seems like he grew up. (*though he grew up, but to me he is still my lil brother. sounds like i am the mum right? haha) i like the way they march and their ending finale. they "performed" their division cheer. the whole bmtc, and you can really feel their teamwork there. even though there was a high probability that they do not know the one standing beside, infront or behind them. lastly, the way they march. is really really organise. the way they turn their head, was also at the same time. must have train real hard.. well.. it was really a fine day afterall. lil brother, i am so proud of you... =)

cs.. why i never see your pop then!?!?! Zzzz....

Monday, June 11, 2007

grumbles..

one week of study break just flew by. been very busy recently. busy with exams preparation. though most of the time i am dozing off. dun get why am i so sleepy lately. busy with work. especially this week. exams are coming soon. but i simply do not have much time to study. on top of that, my reading speed is real slow. i always complained. others take 2hrs, i will take at least 3hrs. or maybe even 4hrs. thus, the only solution is, either i lose my sleep. which i can't. or i just have to pray hard that i pass.

haix... this semester is really bad. grades for the mid term paper ain't very good. i suppose the end grade wun be good as well.. haix...

i wanna exercise. feel so lethargic. miss the time me and grace went to gym.. the atmosphere of the gym really do influence a person's enthusiasm in exercising.

haix.. sleepy.. think i will go sleep now. hopefully i can wake up early and start my day early. jiayou~~ (Zzzz...)

Saturday, June 02, 2007

today is a boring saturday. went out to run some errands in the morning. the great singapore sale is really influencing me to shop. but too bad, gotta wait till end of june. but by then, all the promotions would had already been over. damn. =( well.. the fact is, whenever exams are near, i seems to be bounded at home. cannot go anywhere besides to work. what to do.

lately kept feeling sleepy. morning can't wake up early, afternoon take long naps and the most ironic thing is. can't get to sleep at night. must have slept too much. slept the whole afternoon today. just can't seems to keep myself awake. the feeling sucks. hope i pull through this semester. haizzzzzzz....

Friday, June 01, 2007

its 3.45am. our group finally finished our lab report. feel i didn't really do much. all i did was minor minor little things. so i dun suppose i would get good grade. but anyway, i am too tired to think about it now.

the whole of yesterday was nothing but upset. many many things running inside my head. many many feelings going through me. but none of them is happy. once again, i wished i could just leave my life simple yet happy.

gonna sleep now because i have a class at 9am and i have about 3hrs of rest before preparing for school. would today be a better day?