if the end of love is this hard. i would never love again. never again.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

and i thought i can relax a lil after my critique. but i was just dreaming..............

ben always ask. why do i study until i seems to be tortured by it. the answer....... i dunno. i dun want to study until i am being pointed with a gun and being asked to study. i want to enjoy the whole study process.. the school life, the friends, the fun i had during my study times etc... because things will be different once i start working.. but this isn't happening. and i am sad.

another of my module results had came out. once again, i did very badly. my essay is a flop. total flop and i begin to suspect my ability. i know i dun write fabulous essay. not now, not in the past. but i always managed to score a reasonable mark for it. maybe except year 1 sem 1. this time. during my 4th year. i am way below average. i no longer feel i can write an essay and i feel hesistant to even do it. sigh... ain't trying to whine and be sympathesize. but i really do felt my heart being weigh down by a 100kg of boulder. well.. watever right. this is just life (*hack care, ignoring it mood)

i had my last lesson with my kindergarten kids. i wish i can upload some photos. but ain't sure whether the teacher allowed cos i took some of them for memorable purposes without asking.. =p the last lesson wasn't as pleasant as i thought. due to the last minute rush schedule to finish up everything. feeling sorry to the kids for being very fierce to them and not able to promise them the stickers that they wanted because of the last minute cancellation of lessons. the kids might be way too excited that they refuse to listen to what i am trying to say which resulted in me being angry with them. but anyway, i do hope that they will do well in their new primary school and enjoy the fun times with their friends. i missed my younger days too... =/

my birthday is coming. had always looked forward to all the occassions and festive during the end of the year. birthday, christmas. but now, i dun look forward for anything. my mind is clouded with unhappiness. unhappiness that i brought onto myself. just months back. i thought about how i want to celebrate my birthday. together with my love ones and friends. have a simple dinner with my love ones. some photos to remember each other and time spent. meet up with friends whom i haven't seen for quite some time, a simple meal or gathering, a birthday cake and photos to remember the good times. but with my schedule, i ain't know how to fix or arrange it. but it doesn't matter. i dun have the mood for it anymore...
christmas. to me, is about buying presents for friends, having dinner, setting up the christmas tree, going out to take photos, walking around and embrace in the festive mood. but once again, i dunno how can i arrange my time to fit these in and i no longer have the mood.

to friends whom i say i will meet, but yet to meet. i am very sorry. hope you all can understand and forgive. if you really do understand me, you will know i am trying my best to meet but circumstances sometimes just dun allow me.

wishing all that are having exams best of luck.

signing out... 6.32pm